The long sleep of my inner narrator. Depression wants to stay for dinner!

153388297Today I met a girl. Let us call her Alicia. Her eyes were tinted in sadness. I introduced myself.  She sat on a chair with her legs crossed. She was playing with her fingers. From time to time she was looking up. She stayed silent. When she started talking, her voice sounded like that of child when the parents forgot to pick her up from school. She had the expression of an abandoned child. I kept looking into her eyes and all I could see was her guilt for being the way she was.

I arrived to campus today feeling upset. My mood abandoned me again! My internal narrator has been silent for a couple of days. I felt bored in my own skin. I was walking in the middle of the quad, and I almost felt I had water in my ears. Every sound, people’s voices, the smell of the food-truck-lady making waffles and brewing coffee, the smell of the cold air. All these things were stepping into my brain as if they were trowed into a pool of water. I glided next to them. I saw young brunette girls looking at their phone, a serious professor sipping his apparently too hot coffee. A Young man was silently singing something with his Beats attached to his ears. I was still walking in the middle of the quad. Everything bothered me. I didn’t want any stimulus entering my numb brain. I wanted to close my eyes and levitate into a different dimension. I didn’t even feel like walking. My thoughts were floating around my brain. I couldn’t even pick one to “really” listen or focus on. I was asleep inside my brain. Every stimulus from the external world felt to me as if someone would have taken me from my bed and carried me all the way in the middle of the College quad. That is how I walked into my mood matters group today.

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The girl started to share her story. Her sadness was slapping me in the face. I translated myself into her eyes. I was looking at a younger ME screaming for help! She said she was anxious. She didn’t know what to expect from the group. She said she felt alone. She explained how she thought she was a burden to other people. She blamed herself for many things, too many things!

I felt my face slowly coming out from the water. I started breathing normally again. “She is a human being ” I kept repeating to myself. I started feeling her sadness entering my brain. For the first time today, I was engaging the outside reality with an inner self that was completely awake. The inner me was sitting in my frontal lobe. She was carefully observing an outside body. She helped me translate the girl’s voice into emotions. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t.

The girl smiled! She left the class talking. Her face was not looking at the floor anymore. Her face had a half smile painted on her lips.

I got into my car. My inner narrator resumed her sleep. I went back to mechanically moving my body through the noises of the city waiting for my inner companion to feel better and play with me once again!

2 thoughts on “The long sleep of my inner narrator. Depression wants to stay for dinner!”

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